spinning on that dizzy edge

I remember almost 22 years ago. I remember dancing to Just like heaven at Thekla, feeling so in love and feeling so free and probably up in the top 10 happy moments of my life. It might have been my birthday? I felt safe and I felt like this is supposed to be how love feels. Maybe it was the song blaring loudly? Maybe it was all the copious alcohol that I consumed? I thought it was real. Maybe just in that moment it was. Maybe the rest of two decades was trying to chase that feeling? Was it real? Was the life I led and family that I raised real? I know I've been in love before and after. Were any of those moments real? was it just the music that was playing? Was it the light from something? Was it a look at a certain moment that was really confused? it just seems random now. it just doesn't seem real. It feels staged. My son and dog are real. My friends and family feel real. Maybe chasing the feeling of first kisses and fireworks aren't the reality of a life together? Maybe if you can't or don't build a foundation, its just being alone on a cliff in England remembering dancing with someone that didn't really ever exist the way you thought they did, maybe you spent two decades trying to find that over and over and they had already gotten bored and left the song way before it was over anyway. but I just kept trying to re create it. I wanted so badly to feel that togetherness again. To not feel so alone, alone, alone above the raging sea. But here I am. There you are. I am way oversimplifying but its how I feel today.